When Everything Feels Like The Movies
by NarcissusXIII
Summary: Oneshot. Bella needs to come to a decision about Edward and Jacob, a decision she's been fighting with for months. And all she can think is that she never should have left.


**A/N: Ok, I haven't abandoned my other stories "Heart Shaped Glasses" or "Green", but I guess I'm just feeling completely uninspired. But I have been working on chapter 7 for HSG for the past week, I just don't want to put up a short, crappy chapter. Anyway, I hope I'll get it up soon...**

**So this is basically a Bella blurp, something I started typing when I was trying to work on ch. 7. It's a few months before gradutaion and she still hasn't said yes to Edward or Jake. Honestly, it's not all bubble gum and rainbows so if you're looking for something happy, I recommend not reading this. **

**As always, please let me know what you think, I've had soooo many people read/add my other stories to alerts/favorites, which I'm so thankful for but they hardly ever review. It's kind of annoying, I really would like to know what you think, please, it will really help and probably lead to faster/longer updates. Ok, enough of that.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, all S.M., only own the idea**

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Another low hanging branch slapped me sharply across my right cheek, luckily it was rather thin. Not that it mattered, I heard rather than felt the twigs breaking over my skin, tiny thorns leaving shallow scrapes on my body, the countless number of stumps and fallen logs I had tripped over which began to paint my knees brilliant shades of black and purple. I was too consumed by my thoughts to properly register the slow punishment I was putting my body through. And all for what? Two minutes of privacy until Alice '_saw'_ me and Edward was standing before me, chastising me. Or until Jake's wild form hunted me down, shouting angrily, contiguously on the verve of losing it.

_I need to be alone._

_Just. Alone. _

Thoughts were forever whirling around in my head, only every other day did they make sense, there was just too much. How did I ever get here, to this place?

Still I pushed onward, my numb legs mechanically moving to an unknown destination.

_Unknown. If I don't know, Alice doesn't know._

The thought ran smugly though my mind. Normally I would have felt bad, thinking towards Alice like that, but when, in the eyes of humans, would this be considered normal?

Forward. It was all I had right now, just continuing forward, one foot in front of the other.

I had hardly taken three steps before my hands connected with the hard ground, my feet tangled in the forest floor greenery. The feeling of small wooden pieces snapping beneath my palms and the smell of dirt and moss were lost on me. The short fall failed to brake my desensitized state. Pushing myself off the mossy floor, I continued onward.

I was vaguely aware of the setting sun, ever so often blinding me through narrow gaps in the trees. How long had I been walking? Hours? Minutes? Time seemed to stand still or maybe it just didn't seem to exist anymore. I was to exhausted to care.

It wasn't long before my blurry mind wandered back to them. Edward. Jacob. And the only question that was harder to answer then if the chicken or the egg came first. Who?

I thought I wouldn't survive the hole that was left in the absence of Edward, the large, gaping hole caused my body to feel as though it was falling apart. The pain was unimaginable, like the bones had all caved in, tearing the skin and everything along with it. Every beat of my heart became excruciating, making the rest of my body painfully numb as it chipped away at my already broken torso. Breathing became more of a privilege, because I found I often couldn't, like drowning without the water. And all I could do was wrap my arms around myself in a pathetic attempt to hold myself together for just a little longer.

But somehow, through Jake, the hole was patched, it would never look the same again, unable to be flawlessly mended but patched nonetheless.

Now, just a few short months later I find myself being torn open again. A vampire on one side, a werewolf on the other. Each pulling me in opposite directions with their supernatural strength. And I'm locked in the middle, forced to choose between two lives I can't. So how long, how long until I'm torn apart?

A wave of sadness washes over me and I feel a thick lump rising in my throat, the first physical pain I feel. I have to decide, but it will never be what I want, I'll never have a happy ending. I can't choose, I can't run away, start over and pretend this never happened. I can't disappear, and at the same time I don't want to, I don't want to forget or pretend or live without this. The love I've experienced, the friendships I've made, how do I wish that away?

A loud, involuntary sniffle brought my attention back to my surroundings, I felt the wetness on my cheek as the wind blew past me. I was crying again.

Suddenly my legs became heavy, my knees buckling from stress and exertion, and I slid to the forest floor, sitting back against what appeared to be a newly fallen tree. Again thoughts began to swirl around in my head, so fast I couldn't even comprehend what I was thinking, it all felt blurred. The tears continued to stream down my face, and I clamped my eyes shut in a weak attempt to calm my pounding head. Slowly my hands laced themselves into my hair, tugging the long strands to the base of my neck as my head dropped forward, pressing into my bent knees. My stomach began to turn, feeling nauseous by the pain that threatened my skull. Headaches, the unfortunate side effect of prolonged stress, something I'm becoming all too familiar with.

With an unsteady breath I pull my hands from my tangled hair, my gaze wanders lazily around the trees, my vision still blurry. Another breath, slightly stronger this time, and I manage to stop the tears and let my mind focus on something else, if even for only a minute.

Phoenix. The sun. Long summer days and warm nights. The feeling of sand beneath my feet and warm rays from the sun as I lazed about in shorts and tank tops, drinking lemonade. The heat brought with it the comfort and calmness I so desperately craved. Every thing was so easy in Phoenix, with Mom and Phil, it was all so simple.

A smile couldn't help but tug at my lips as I thought of Phoenix, of home.

_I should have never left._

A wave of guilt washed through me as I realized just how much better off everyone would be if I never came here. The Cullens would have continued on with their lives, secrets tucked safely away from the world, never having to deal with the pain and trouble I've caused. Edward, he would never have to deal with the internal battle he has because of me. He wouldn't have to feel guilty or worried, every waking second for my well being, thinking my life was corrupted because he entered it. And I truly believe he would have found someone eventually, another vampire, to fit into his life, the Cullen's lives, easily...naturally. Not like two wrong pieces of a puzzle that someone is trying so hopelessly to mash together, to make fit. Because, sometimes, that's how it felt.

Jake would still be human, still fun loving, laughing, easy going Jake. Not the werewolf that he so passionately despises, full of anger and loss of control. He would be a normal 16 year old boy, with no worries of vampires or war, just how best to rebuild his car. He could someday find a good girl, a girl he can take to the movies instead of guarding her house all night. A girl that he can spend all day with instead of being her warm embrace, her comfort when she needs him, only to run away and break his heart every time.

They each deserve someone who can love them back, completely and with their whole heart, not a heart that's been ripped in half. Not me when I'm only capable of loving them half as much as I should, while the rest of me feels guilty for even being there with them. They are so willing to accept whatever I can give them, even if it's just a fraction of the love they have for me, they know that whomever I choose can only have a part of me, not all of me. Yet, they're willing to spend the rest of their life like that, fully knowing I'm never going to be completely theirs. They both deserve so much better then me, then what I can offer.

Exhaling sharply, I leaned back further, slouching into the ground as I tried to swallow the fresh lump that was forming in my throat.

I had my decision.

Actually, I had made it long ago, I was just being too selfish to admit it, to act upon it.

I would leave, move back to Arizona. It was the right thing to do.

They say if you love something, really love something, you find the strength to let it go. Well, I'm letting go.

I have no right to their love and they're worth so much more then I have to offer.

It's simple really, but I find, sometimes it's the simplest things that are the hardest to do.

I like to think of myself as a good person, but not perfect, so I allowed myself to cry over the decision to leave two of the people I loved most. I gave myself that moment of selfishness, crying for the life I'll never have, dreaming of what would have been. I cried for the love I would never find again, not being naive enough to believe it was possible to experience that type of supernatural love again. I cried for the live I undeniably changed, the people I've forever hurt. I cried. My sobs ripping through the quiet sereness of the forest.

Eventually, as always, the tears subsided having none left to cry, and I opened my eyes to look up at the now darkening sky. My throat burned, feeling like sandpaper every time I tried to swallow and my head was pounding softly. Weakly I pushed myself up from the tree, shaking slightly, completely exhausted, when my stomach gave a low rumble. I hadn't eaten since I left, which might have been six or seven hours ago. With nothing left to do I began the agonizing journey home, to inform Charlie-

Shit, Charlie!

A sharp pain in my stomach removed all traces of hunger, I had almost forgotten about Charlie. It was a few months until I graduated, actually more like a month and half. Could I stay until then?

I would, for Charlie, then as soon as graduation was over I would leave, never to return to Forks again.

I never noticed the thin frame, sitting gracefully in the tree only feet from where I had taken sanctuary for the last several hours. Even had Alice not been a vampire with the ability to hide so easily from a mere human, I would not have seen her. Hell, she could have been a marching band I wouldn't have noticed. So I didn't see her face as she realized her best friend was leaving her, and everyone she cared about. I never saw the look of acceptance in her eyes as I walked past, as she understanding that there was nothing she or anyone could do to change my mind. She just stood there silently and let me go, her tearless cries never reaching my ears.

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